I feel like crap.
I feel like throwing up.
I haven’t touched my camera for six weeks straight. Don’t know how.
I can’t sleep, because I can’t dream. I can’t stand it.
I can’t feel anything, not even you. Nothing but nothing.
I feel like dying.
I am sick and I am bored. I took the computer with me downstairs and put myself in the sofa. I have not moved except for reaching for the remote. I worked a bit in Ps while “Love Actually” was on in the background. I came up with this:
This is an original. You can download this painting but you can’t use it unless I give my permission. Thank you.
I ordered a flight to London yesterday. My wonderful aunt and my beautiful cousin decided that they wanted to do something during winter break – and now all three of us are going to London between the 3rd and 7th of january. I am so stoked!
I have only been to London twice before, but I go again gladly. I think it is the best city in the world…
Seriously, you have to watch this video. I couldn’t stop laughing.
http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1923605
(You have to use the link, the video didn’t want to be embedded.)
I just learned how to make animations in Photoshop. Maybe not my finest work, but this in only my first try ever. And it is fun! I think I will ony make animations from now on…
Once, way, way back, someone asked me why I chose to take pictures. You see, I am a fairly creative person. I make necklaces, and I love decorating (painting the walls are my favourite part) and I always make my own birthday cards. I also tried painting and sketching. So this person wanted my honest opinion to why I chose my camera over all the other things I could use to express myself.
The answer is fairy easy. To make a photo you need a target – something to portray. As a photographer you are not responsible for that target, you job is to get it on film. You don’t have to defend the thought process adding up to that one shot as you would have to if it were, lest say, a painting. Photographers don’t have to be an active partisan in creating – they just have to lean back, look trough the lens and press the trigger close to the right time.
When I would show someone my sketches, or one of my few paintings, they would always question them. Why did you chose that color? Why did you put that arm like that? What inspired this one? Why did you do this, this, this? And I always failed to explain to them why I did as I did.
With my photos there is something entirely different. Fist of, no one asks why I took that exact shoot. If they ask anything at all, they want to know which lens I used or some other technical detail. And if they question something, I always have a correct answer. I chose that angle because of the shadows/the placement of that tree and so on.
I think I find the same freedom when working with Photoshop creating designs or what not. No one asks why there either.
And that is freedom.
It gives me a peace of mind to know I don’t have to defend every single brush stroke. Sure I still make sketches and cards and bracelets, but only for fun. I take pictures because I want to be good at it. I take pictures because I want people to notice me for it.
I have four new uploads over at deviantART. Be sure to give them a look.
Again they are New Moon related – I’m sort of stuck there right now. Sorry. I have a few other ideas, involving Muse and The All American Rejects, that I might start next. Keep a look out.
Here is a sample:
I am trying to finish this one poem I started with over six month ago. It refuses to co-operate. I have written, and rewritten it a hundred times. Nothing works, and everything feels wrong.
I have one passage clear, and I love those four lines to death, but I can’t seem to find the next part.
Words like poison in his veins
When she quietly explains
This is nothing but insane
He collapse back into pain
I think I have the next sections done, but I hate them as often as I find them good enough. Right now it feels like I might as well call it quits and hope for some unexpected burst of inspiration – you know, the one that have failed to appear during the last six months…
I can’t even get the name right. Right now it go under the working title Misplaced, but I know it is the wrong name. I just can’t find the right tenor, the right feeling for were the pice is going. And it is so frustrating!
Here is the whole unfinished, dreadfully bad piece:
On her gentle words he feed
She is all he’ll ever need
But when nothing else succeed
All he can do is bleed
Words like poison in his veins
When she quietly explains
This is nothing but insane
He collapse back into pain
Everything curved into dust
That buried the simplest lust
She held on to his undiluted trust
And she never saw it as unjust
Her eyes burning like fire
The exact colour of sapphire
Are full of misleading desire
She becomes the sweetest lair
Trapped inside this burning flame
Everything will stay the same
She would be easy to blame
As he struggle to forget her name
So he continues to pray
Hoping for the words she’ll never say
Fighting the never-ending fray
Begging; please, please just stay
What the hell is happening? My stats are looking like the rocky mountain or something. Not that I complain, but could you guys try some continuously? It is easier for me to keep my confidence that way…
Song of the day: TomMcRae – My Vampire Heart
There is this book calles The Hunger Games (I know I mentioned it before) that is just really, really good. I got quite inspired, and after losing myself in Photoshop for a few hours yet again, I managed to make four icons and two signature banners. I am almost disgustingly proud.
The Violet Hour by Sea Wolf
The full song is finally relesed, and I found it on YouTube.
And I LOVE IT!
I finally got myself a deviantART account. My screen name is simple enough, it’s the same as my Twitter name and the address to this blog; torasamuels.
So check me out at:
Today my work are going to inventory.
Yay for us.
In theory that means a 14 hour work day counting and recording every single item in the whole store. (We have about 55 000 different articles, and 50-1000 copies of each. Just so you have a perspective.) In reality, though, it means we work untill we are done. If we finish at 7 pm we get to go home, but if it takes longer we stay. Last year we were done at one in the morning…
Well, at least I got my work cut out for me today. (Sorry, that might be the lamest joke ever but I had to.)
Okay, so snapping out of it might have been a little optimistic but at least I’m trying. Really hard. If I’m not working I’m running or cleaning or hanging out with someone, anyone. I make sure I am never alone for so long – and that keeps the thoughts away. Yay for me.
Your arms are lovely
Yellow and rose
Your back’s a meadow
Covered in snow
Your thighs are thistles
And hothouse grapes
You breathe your sweet breath
And have me wait
This is from the song “The Violet Hour” by Sea Wolf. It hasn’t been realised jet, but it is safe to say I can’t wait!
And about that last extremely depressing post: I am done with feeling like crap, I am snapping out of it. So there.
